


The Darkness I Find

by jimmythemystic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Brotherly Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hell Flashbacks, Hurt Sam, Hurt Sam Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Lucifer's Cage, Past Torture, Platonic Relationships, Protective Dean Winchester, Psychological Torture, Season/Series 11, Season/Series 11 Spoilers, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-06-05 23:29:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6727723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jimmythemystic/pseuds/jimmythemystic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam's in the Cage again. 180 years almost destroyed his soul last time. What will happen to him now? Will Dean save him this time? And if he does, will Sam ever recover? Starting with 11x09 "O Brother Where Art Thou", Season 11 behind the scenes, from Sam's perspective.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome Home, Sammy

Walking in towards the temporary Cage, Sam felt sick inside. Here he was, about to face Lucifer again. Lucifer, who had tortured and mangled him for more than one hundred and eighty years, which is far longer than Sam has any memories of on earth. He steels himself, clenches his trembling fingers, and walks with Crowley down a long hallway, ever closer to the Cage. God had told him to go see Lucifer, Sam was certain. Even though Dean felt like good things didn't happen, God didn't care, Sam has had faith his whole life, he has always been the praying type. So if God was telling him to go see his worst nightmare, Sam would confront him. That didn't mean, however, that Sam wasn't afraid. He wishes Dean were with him, or Cas. Anyone except for the demon he was actually with. Crowley wasn't exactly what anyone could call a comforting presence. Sam wanted someone to ground him and remind him he wasn't in the Cage anymore, someone to buffer him from Lucifer. However, Dean hadn't answered his phone when Sam had called him, and this issue was time sensitive, so Sam walked.

Finally, they reached the end of the hallway. Crowley opened the overly ornate and enormous door with his usual slick smirk in place. Filled with trepidation, Sam briefly considers just running. Running far away and never looking back. Who would blame him, really? After everything Lucifer had done to him, after everything Sam had suffered at the hands of an Archangel. Perhaps no one would blame him, but Sam had known before he came here that this might be their only chance to take down Amara. Amara would, _will_ destroy everything if she isn't stopped. Saving people, saving the world, is far more important than any personal feelings Sam has. As Dean would say, "stow your crap." It's what Winchesters do. Again, Sam wishes Dean were here. Dean never seems afraid of anything, and it's always easier for Sam to take on the hard stuff when his big brother has his back. Sam takes a deep, steadying breath, and thinks about what Dean would do. Dean wasn't afraid, and so neither would Sam be afraid. Still channeling that thought, Sam walks through the door and comes face to face with the temporary Cage. It's in a large room, covered in symbols and warding, the Cage lit faintly by medieval looking torches. His breath leaves him in a whoosh and his blood runs cold. Temporary though it may be, the Cage brings back every moment of those one hundred and eighty years of torment. As if his weakness was felt, Lucifer steps into view inside, smirking. "Ah, well, if it isn't Sammy!" Panic rises in Sam and he fights to tamp it down. That voice, that voice.... It's haunted his dreams, filled his years. What would Dean do? What would Dean do?

Sam starts talking.

..."You see, Sammy. It wasn't God who sent you, but me. That's right. Little old me." Lucifer smiles widely as though he has just told Sam the best news he could imagine. Sam's heart turns to ice and his fear engulfs him. Lucifer shouldn't have been able to reach him that way. If Lucifer is gaining that sort of power, he is downright dangerous even locked in this temporary Cage. Sam realizes he needs to get out of here, right now. He needs to regroup with Dean, not be standing here in front of the Devil. Before he can even turn to leave, he hears a slight flutter, and he opens his eyes to find himself standing in the Cage, face to face with Lucifer. His heart lurches, and there's no hiding his outright terror now. As Lucifer begins to taunt him, a tear slides down Sam's cheek as he trembles. He is back. Back in the Cage with Lucifer again. This time, it could be forever.

Sam prays to Castiel, to Dean, to someone. Anyone. Prays that they will save him, get him out. Prays that this is a flashback, a dream. Lucifer laughs at him, advancing on him. "You think they can hear your prayers? You'd be wrong, Sammy boy. Just you and me down here." Sam looks out of the Cage, just in time to see Crowley scuttling around the door in terror, fleeing the scene. Sam swallows, his heart pounding, palms sweating. He knows what is to come. Deep in his heart, he realizes he won't make it out this time. He will never see Dean again. "Oh, but that's just not true, Sammy!" Lucifer patronizes, then puts on a hurt expression. "You've already forgotten our little games? Where Big Brother Dean comes in to save his wittle baby bwother, and just as hope grows to its fullest, and wittle Sammy calls out to him, he tortures you himself? Tells you about all of your failures, and how you deserve to be here with me? I can't believe you've forgotten so easily, Sam. Don't you worry, we will have plenty of time to reintroduce you to all of our games, and make some new ones!"

A frozen hand lands on his shoulder, and Sam flinches. "Unless, of course... You say yes to me. I'd take care of you. It'd be like the good old times." Lucifer is trying to look honest, like a caring friend, but all Sam sees is the sinister beneath. He can't say yes. Dean wouldn't want him to, and more than that, Sam needs to believe he is stronger than that. Steeling his voice, he raises his eyes to meet Lucifer's cold blue ones. "No." Lucifer chuckles, then full on laughs in Sam's face, his breath hot against Sam's cheek. He leans in close and whispers in Sam's ear, "then welcome home, Sammy."


	2. There and Back Again

It takes Dean exactly twelve hours to get to Sam. In Hell time, however, Sam has been in the Cage for almost sixty one days. A lot can happen in sixty one days. You can have your spine painstakingly split apart, be frozen solid, burned alive in sixty one days. You can watch everyone you've ever loved die repeatedly and viscerally in every way imaginable in sixty one days. You can be yelled at, have your brain literally picked apart, have snakes under your skin in sixty one days. You can be hung up by meat hooks and left in a cold so complete it is inhuman in sixty one days. Sam knows all of this, first hand. But Sam does not know it has been sixty one days. Because fourteen days ago, Lucifer took every single one of Sam's senses and locked him alone in the dark. This, for Sam, was the worst punishment of all. Unable to feel a thing, see, hear, taste, smell. Losing all sense of self, of time, of space. Sam knows that being isolated alone is enough to drive someone crazy. But this is beyond isolation, it is being utterly and entirely nothing. Sam screams and can't hear it, can't feel his vocal chords straining. He sobs and cannot feel the tracks of tears on his cheeks or his intake of breath. Soon Sam retreats into a quiet corner of his mind to hide, and pray for an end he doesn't see coming.

Dean rushes the Cage looking not unlike his demonic self, full of rage and anger and passion. Seeing Dean run towards him in such a way gives even Lucifer pause. When Dean Winchester comes for his Sammy, nothing and no one in Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory can stand in the way of his wrath. Castiel trails but a step behind, less full of wrath, instead full of silent purpose. When they enter the Cage, Sam is startled back into feeling. It comes in an overwhelming wave of sensation, light sound touch taste _feel_. There is too much to feel, it's overwhelming and it _burns_ Sam. After what feels like an eternity of adjusting, one thing becomes clear to Sam. _Dean is here._ "Dean!" He calls and his voice feels strange to him now, but it works. Dean runs over to him, grabs his shoulder. It feels like an electric shock, the sensation of touching anything. Sam is crying now, having been in the Cage too long to have shame. He waits for Dean to turn into Lucifer. To torture and mock Sam for his weakness. For missing his big brother so badly it hurts. Instead he sees that Lucifer is still here, and he walks towards Sam. That means... But no, Sam is alone in here. But could Dean have actually come for him? Trying not to hope, and failing desperately, Sam looks around the Cage, only to see none other than Castiel leap upon Lucifer's back, attacking him with all the skill of a brilliant tactician and general of Heaven. Dean steps defensively in front of Sammy, shielding him from Lucifer, and throwing a punch here and there to help out Castiel.

It's real. It's _real_. Please let it be real. Dean has come to save Sam. Dean and Castiel fight like men possessed, and Sam would know. He's seen plenty of men possessed. Lucifer is fighting tooth and nail, and he has the upper hand, though Dean and Cas are not doing terribly. Castiel gets thrown harshly, clanging against the side of the Cage. When Lucifer steps over him, Dean tackles Lucifer from behind, dragging his attention away from Castiel. When Dean takes a hit, Cas is on his feet and attacking. They work as a team, seamlessly attacking and taking hits. Sam knows they can't go on like this forever, so he just stares at Dean, trying to drink in his every detail before Dean leaves again, leaving Sam alone. It doesn't happen though. Instead, a brightness fills the Cage, and Sam instinctively closes his eyes. When he opens them again, Lucifer is gone, and Dean is kneeling next to him. "C'mon Sammy, we're going to get you out of here, okay?" Sam just looks at Dean. He's real. He has to be real. "You came." Dean looks at him with pain in his eyes. "Of course I came, Sammy. C'mon, let's go." His wildest dreams come true. Dean and Cas coming, fighting for him, saving him. Sam knows this is probably an illusion, that "Dean" will get him to the edge of the Cage just to have Lucifer's face cackling at him again. Sam decides it doesn't matter if it's fake or not, he'll pretend this is Dean. At least it doesn't hurt yet. He nods to Dean, and Dean helps him to his feet. Helping him along, Dean, Sam, and Cas exit the Cage.

The moment that Sam exits the Cage, his brain short circuits and he gasps, sinking to his knees. Lucifer has never pretended he could leave the Cage before. Hope and fear swirl together in Sam's mind, and his vision blurs. When he opens his eyes, Sam makes out a face blurry before him. He flinches, trying to get away. "Please. Please." He cries out helplessly, knowing his begging is fruitless. Lucifer only ever mocks his begging, but still Sam tries. A voice floats down to him, "Hang in there Sammy." Sam waits for the pain, but it doesn't come, and he just can't understand why. Sam should know better than to trust peace. But he is tired of fighting, just so tired... Sam drifts uneasily into unconsciousness, his mind a litany of "please be real. Please be real. Please, _please_ be real." 


	3. When I Wake

When Sam surfaces again, the first thing he notices is that whatever it is he is laying on is soft. Feeling around gingerly with his fingers, he feels the softness extend almost all the way out of his arm's reach on either side before dropping off into empty air. His head is slightly elevated, and there is something thin, practically weightless covering him. A bed, his mind supplies. The second thing that Sam notices is that he isn't in pain. Why Lucifer would give him this reprieve escapes him, and fear trickles into his heart as he ponders the meaning. Sam doesn't open his eyes. Maybe, somehow, if he keeps them closed, Lucifer won't realize that he's awake and Sam will escape whatever punishment he has coming for a few moments more. A touch on his arm startles Sam, but he fights to remain calm. Of course Lucifer would know he was awake. Lucifer knows everything about Sam. It's better now to obey immediately, open his eyes and be ready for his next round of torture, so that it won't be any worse. Like it even _could_ be any worse. Sam trembles, he can't help it, this is new, and new is always, _always_ , bad. 

Sam obediently opens his eyes, and turns his head to see: "Castiel?" Castiel dips his head in acknowledgement. "Hello, Sam." Sam has never seen Castiel in the Cage before, at least, not without Dean. "Where is Dean?" A ghost of a smile quirks on Castiel's familiar, care-worn face. "Dean is sleeping. I forced him to bed when he passed out in here a few hours ago. He'll want to know you're awake. I should go get him." Sam catches Castiel's arm. "No! I mean..." Sam swallows. What does he mean? A million questions swarm in his mind. Castiel has never lied to Sam, though. Not when he was alive, and Lucifer has never used Cas to lie either. Sam takes a deep breath and asks the question that he aches to know. "Cas, is this, real? I dreamed... I dreamed that you and Dean got me out." Sam closes his eyes, not wanting to see the joy in Lucifer's face when he realizes he got Sam good this time. In a very un-Castiel like manner, Sam feels a hand on his arm. "It's real, Sam Winchester. You are no longer trapped with my brother." Sam's eyes startle open, and at the honest look on Castiel's face, he begins to quake. Castiel is lying to him now. Whatever this is, it is not going to end well for Sam. No doubt noticing Sam's distress, Castiel reaches two fingers towards Sam's head. When Sam flinches violently he simply says, "Let me show you." Sam relaxes slightly and allows Castiel to touch him.

Images parade through Sam's mind, but they are slightly rosy at the edges, and Sam can somehow tell that it is because Castiel is softening them for him. Sam looks around and sees Dean getting a call, and he knows somehow that it is from Crowley. He cannot hear the call but he can tell by the look on Dean's face that Dean has just been informed Sam is locked in the Cage again. Dean's face twists into rage and pain, and Dean yells into the phone, but the memory is soundless for Sam so he doesn't hear the words. Dean throws the phone against the Impala, where it shatters into pieces. Then Dean sinks to his knees, his back to the Impala, and puts his face in his hands. Sam wants to reach out to Dean, but he can't. He can only watch as Dean absorbs the news, only watch as Dean's shoulders shake, and Sam knows he must be crying. He can count the number of times he has seen his brother full on cry, and that number is never. Not since Sam left for Stanford, anyways.

The images shift, and Sam finds himself in the backseat of the Impala, as Dean and Cas sit up front, roaring down the interstate. Sam can hear a little this time, and can tell that Castiel is trying to comfort Dean, so he listens in best he can to the soft voices. "Cas, I promised him he'd never go back. I promised him. Now he's stuck there and it's MY FAULT." Dean's voice is shaking, and Sam can tell that Dean is trying, and failing to keep it together. Memory Castiel puts his hand on Dean's shoulder. "it is NOT your fault, Dean Winchester. We will get your brother out." Dean shakes his head slightly, "I failed Sammy. Every second in there is a million seconds too long, Cas. Too freaking long." Castiel's hand doesn't leave Dean's shoulder, and Dean relaxes just slightly, before he presses the pedal of the Impala to the floor, speeding towards a Hell gate to save Sam, presumably. Sam is glad for Castiel and Dean's "profound bond". Cas holds Dean together in a way no one else can, in a way Dean wouldn't let anyone else. Sam is also infinitely glad to know that they haven't given up on him. That Dean was actually coming to get him. Trying to keep his promise.

The memory shifts again, and Sam walks behind Dean and Cas as Dean storms into a darkened room where Crowley sits on a throne. Dean approaches Crowley, already yelling something, Sam can tell, but he cannot hear, this memory yet another silent one. Dean pulls Crowley from his chair, punches him across the face, and proceeds to throw Crowley against the wall, looking every bit like a pagan god, full of rage. No one ever could stand in Dean's way when he was truly angry. Not even the King of Hell. Crowley points a shaking hand towards a door, and Dean promptly drops him and runs, flat out runs, through the door, Castiel trailing behind, leaving Crowley with a withering look that clearly said "I will come back and I will smite you, Angelic Powers or not." Sam watches as Dean and Castiel run down the hallway that he himself walked what feels like years ago. The overly ornate door that Sam had noted before is flung open carelessly by Dean. Sam's point of view shifts and he is standing next to the Cage, watching Dean and Cas run in. Sam has never been on this side of Dean's rage, and finally fully appreciates the full wrath of his brother. Dean looks powerful, his presence dominates the room, even though an actual Archangel lies before him. Through some spell of Rowena's, no doubt, Dean walks through the bars of the Cage like they don't even exist and slams Lucifer against a wall. Sam can't help but feel a little in awe of his brother. He just threw an Archangel into a wall. For Sam. It had been for Sam. He sees Dean turn to where Sam knows he lies. He cannot bear to look at himself, so he doesn't, turning his attention to Castiel instead. Castiel attacks Lucifer, just like in Sam's dream. The memories shift and shift and Sam sees in a short order how Dean carried him out of the Cage, like he was holding a precious treasure. Saw how Dean carried him out of Hell, put him in the Impala, with his head pillowed on Dean's lap. Sam sees Cas drive the Impala back to the bunker, and Dean cradling him, whispering something Sam can't quite make out. Sees his brother softly lay him in the bed he is in now, sees Dean sit by his side.

Gently, softly, Sam comes back to himself. He is still lying in the bed he woke up in, but instead of just Cas sitting by his side, Dean is now here too. Dean looks awful, worse than even Sam feels, but when he sees Sam's gaze upon him, he smiles, a wrecked, pained sort of smile, just for Sam. "Hey there, Sammy."

Sam bursts into tears.


	4. In the Dark

It's difficult to get used to the Bunker again. Even though Sam hasn't been gone that long, even by Hell standards, he's never had to come back to himself with his memories of Hell still fresh. The last time, he had regained his memories of Hell and had the benefit of almost a year of buffer memories to convince him that his existence had been real. This time, it's straight from Hell to Bunker life. Sam tries his best to brush everything off, hide how every little sound makes him jump, how he's always cold, never able to get warm, how even the briefest flicker of darkness is enough to make him tremble. But every light is too bright, but the dark is too dark, and he just can't get warm.

Dean, for his part, pretends not to notice that Sam is jumpy and freaked out by every little noise and change. Honestly, it just hurts Dean to think about why, so he does his best to focus on other things, like making Sam warm soup because the Sasquatch is shivering, no matter how well he thinks he is hiding it. Dean notices how Sam initially startles when he brushes his shoulder but then subtly leans into it like Dean's shoulder is anchoring him to earth, and how whenever anything looks remotely dark, Sam's eyes dilate and then go vacant, how terrified his brother looks in that second before Dean gets all the lights on. Dean's not into chick flick moments, but he is into taking care of Sam. That's his job after all. Watch out for Sammy. So he watches his little brother, and plots how to help him.

For some reason Sam can't figure out for the moment, Dean makes soup for dinner, even though nobody is sick and in Dean's opinion it counts as rabbit rood. Sam appreciates it all the same. It's piping hot, and it thaws his insides, if only for a moment. He takes as long to eat as possible, dragging it out long after his soup is cold, because if he is still eating, then Dean will stay with him, and it won't be time to go off to bed yet. The thought of laying in his room, alone in the dark, makes fear clench his insides. He's still trying to adjust to being able to feel, and the dark... Well the dark means you're alone. Sam can hear Lucifer in his mind, smiling so proudly as he explains to Sam his "Special Power". Lucifer would be dragging around Sam's insides, throwing them about the Cage for decoration as he talked. "You know, Sammy. I have a 'Special Power' from dear old Dad. Well, it's not really all that much, but we'll make it special together, won't we?" And Lucifer would smile that sickly sweet smile that meant terrible things for Sam. Lucifer's "Special Power" had turned out to be that he could stretch time out. All Angels could do this, Sam knew because he had witnessed Castiel do it before. No, Lucifer made it special because he made it horrible. He would lock Sam away in the dark without any senses. Without any comfort or touch or words or contact. And, as Lucifer had figured it, and he never lied about his tortures, he was much too proud, every day in the dark would feel to Sam like 1,000 years. The first time it had happened, on Sam's first trip to Hell, he'd been relieved at first. A day, or 10,000 years without torture? He could deal with that. Oh, how wrong Sam had been. It hadn't even felt like three days when Sam had first starting screaming for Lucifer to let him out. At least, he thought he was screaming. He couldn't hear or feel it. It only felt like screaming inside his mind. Lucifer hadn't, of course. That, more than any other torture, was what gave Sam nightmares at night. According to Dean's math on how long it had taken him to get Sam out this time, Sam had been in the dark for fourteen days, or, 14,000 years. Sam wished he was a kid again, so Dean wouldn't mind if they slept in the same room, or if Sam fell asleep on his shoulder.

Eventually, Sam had to finish eating. After washing his bowl out with painstaking slowness, his watch beeped to let Sam know it was now midnight. He glanced over at Dean, who was yawning and stretching his arms as he put away his own bowl. Somehow, even the knowledge that it was night was somehow threatening, even if it was completely lit inside the Bunker. "About time for bed, don't you think Sam? We've got research to do tomorrow, Darkness to kill." Sam tried to smile, and then nodded at Dean. When Dean turned to go take a shower Sam started to tremble. But no, he's a grown man, and grown men aren't afraid of the dark, and they're certainly not afraid of being alone. Sam wishes Castiel were here, Cas would have sat with him, Sam was sure. But Cas had flown off to who knows where, and it was just Sam and Dean tonight. So Sam resolutely walked to his room, changed into pajamas, and crawled into bed. He didn't turn off the light though. That's the benefit of having your own room, you don't have to turn the light off. It's quiet in the Bunker. So very quiet. The Men of Letters had everything running perfectly smooth, and there weren't even the normal sounds of creaking or AC or heat or anything. Sam tried to ignore the silence, but the longer he laid there silently, the greater his fear grew. He began to tremble, and he fought it, hoping somehow that sleep would take him. Eventually, what felt like a month later, but according to Sam's watch only twenty minutes, Dean stopped by, presumably to check on Sam. Sam feigned sleep, so that Dean wouldn't see how affected his was. He still had some pride after all. Dean came into the room and felt his forehead gently, and Sam supposes he must have seen Sam trembling from the doorway. "I'll turn the heat up, bud." Dean is mostly talking to himself, but the comfort of his hand on Sam's forehead is immeasurable, as are his words. Real human contact. He's not in the Cage, and he will be alright. When Dean withdraws his hand, Sam feels a sense of loss, but continues his sleeping charade. Dean continues talking to himself. "Little nerd left his light on and everything." with a click, Sam's room is plunged into absolute darkness, and he gasps quietly. He'll be fine, he'll be fine. 

Dean has just finished double checking the wards and is headed towards bed when he hears a blood curdling scream. It's Sam's scream, naturally, and he sounds scared. Logical answers forgotten, Dean sprints toward Sam's room and flings open the door, gun out and loaded. There's no one there of course. Just Sam, laying stock still in bed and screaming bloody murder, and Dean can make out his name in some of the screams. He flicks the lights on, and walks over to shake Sam's shoulder when he realizes Sam isn't actually asleep. His eyes are glazed over though, as though he is seeing something else. He touches Sam's shoulder cautiously and Sam reflexively grabs his hand and doesn't let go, clinging as if to a lifeline. "Sam, Sam, hey. It's me, it's Dean. You're okay. You're okay." He tries to soothe his little brother. A few moments pass, and Dean doesn't let go. Neither does Sam. When the glazed look finally beings to leave his eyes, Sam looks embarrassed, but he's still shaking under Dean's hand. "Sorry, Dean. I'm fine." Sam looks resigned, but he also looks vulnerable, in a way Dean hasn't seen since they were kids and Sam found out that the monsters in the closet were real. Dean takes a deep breath. "Alright, Sam." He pats Sam on the shoulder, and then he leaves the room.

It hurts Sam to see Dean go. He wants to beg him to stay, to make the bad stuff go away, wants to curl up and cry. But he isn't eight anymore, and even though it seems like it most of the time, Dean can't jut fix every bad thing in Sam's life. He knows he has to regain control of himself, and he mentally kicks himself over and over for being so useless and weak. Sometimes it feels like there is no escape from this cycle. He'll finally decide he is okay, with himself, with his life, and then something wrecks it all over again and Sam ends up here again. Hating himself, hating what he has become and who he is. Sam is startled out of his thoughts by Dean entering his room again, a pillow in his arms, and something Sam can't make out in his hand. Sam looks at him, confused. "Dean?" Dean walks over to the bed and gestures to Sam, "Move over, nerd." Sam opens his mouth to protest, and then, just doesn't. He moves over and allows Dean room. Dean puts his pillow down, and walks over to the side where Sam is laying. Scanning the wall, he walks over to an outlet and crouches down. Sam cranes his neck to see what Dean is doing, and sputters a little when he sees that Dean has plugged in a nightlight. It's shaped like a star and glows a faint yellow color. Dean flicks the lights off again and crawls into bed silently, the springs bending a little under his weight. Sam wants to tell Dean he doesn't need him. To go away and that he will be fine. But he can't. He can't tell his big brother to go away or make some sarcastic remark, because honestly, Sam is just relieved he isn't alone in the dark anymore. Sam feels himself relax as Dean continues to stay and Sam realizes Dean is not going to make some biting or sarcastic remark about how pathetic Sam is. He just stays, close enough for Sam to feel that he is there, and know he isn't alone. He can make it through this. He has done it before, and he will do it again. For now, he lets himself drift off to sleep, back home in the Bunker again.


	5. The Devil Returns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter skips ahead a bit and deals with the fallout of 10x14 "The Vessel". I always felt that Sam, seeing that Lucifer was in his friend, would definitely be freaking out after that. So here is some of that freaking out.

Sam sits in silent shock. Cas had… No, not Castiel at all. Castiel had been _HIM_. Castiel had been Lucifer all of this time and Sam had not known. Sam had allowed Lucifer to hang out with him, asked him for advice, trusted him with Dean’s LIFE, had offered to let him TOUCH HIS SOUL. His stomach surges within him, and Sam makes a break for the bathroom so that his lunch doesn’t make a resurgence in the war room of the Bunker.

Sam sits on the ground in the bathroom, head leaned against the tile walls. He’s weak, shaking, and clammy, and he doesn’t even know if it’s because he just threw up everything Sam thinks he’s ever eaten or the fact his whole mind is screaming and making a clear break for it. Sam is lost in his own thoughts, and his thoughts are a battlefield. What is real, what isn’t? Was Cas really him? Is Sam still in Hell? Was all of this: Hell, Cas, Him some kind of sadistic nightmare his mind made up from the last time he was in the Cage? Hell, _is he still in the Cage from the first time??_ He begins to hyperventilate from all the horrible possibilities of his life. Someone could be possessing him, this whole life could be a lie, he could be the feast for a screwed up Djinn, he could be with Lucifer, and Sam would never know. Might never know, if the captor didn’t want him to.

Just then, Sam is yanked out of his thoughts by the wooden door to the bathroom splintering on its hinges and falling in. Knowing he has nowhere to go, instincts overcome him and Sam somehow makes it to the very back corner of the bathroom, hiding from the fate that’s coming. He closes his eyes and shudders, not able to bear to watch whatever is coming for him. Heavy footfalls walk across the tiles. _Thud, thud, thud, thud…_ All the way up to where Sam cowers, and then they stop. Sam waits, and waits, but nothing is immediately forthcoming.

After a moment of tense silence, the quiet is broken by a very soft, yet somehow gruff, “Sammy?” Sam lets out a huge breath of air. It’s Dean. Even if this is some kind of illusion, some part of him can never deny the familiarity of Dean, the real Dean. Even Lucifer, with all of his tricks, could never make a completely convincing version of Dean, and after so many years in the Cage, Sam can tell the difference between the real Dean and a fake Dean. It’s part of him, ingrained since birth. He _knows_ how Dean feels, how grounding Dean is. And Sam feels that now. Sam had never been able to deny Dean anything, after Dean’s own personal tour of Hell, and so Sam lifts his head and opens his eyes to his big brother. Dean reaches out and pats one of his calloused, gentle hands on Sam’s own. “It’s okay, Sammy.” That solidifies it. The feel of Dean’s hand patting his own tells Sam the truth: This is Dean. Dean is real. Dean is building block #1. Now there’s one thing Sam has to ask, even though he really isn’t sure he wants the honest answer. He looks Dean square in his eyes, crinkled in the corners from age and concern. “Dean, did that really happen?” Dean’s face twitches, and Sam sees the minute expressions of pain and sorrow flit over his face, before Dean shoves it all away to pretend he doesn’t have to deal with, and Sam knows.

“But, Cas…” Dean looks down at the white tiled floor of the bathroom and sighs, running his hand over his face in the way Sam knows means that Dean is truly very upset. “I know. I know... That idiot. We’ll just have to get him back, okay?” Sam knows without asking how badly Dean is taking this news. His best friend is possessed by Lucifer. Sam and Castiel are great friends of course, but it goes without saying that Castiel is Dean’s angel, his best friend. And knowing Dean, he thinks it is one hundred percent his fault. Sam knows Dean better than any other person in the world, and he knows how much Dean is hurting, and he quietly stows his fear of this reality being fake, because as much as he needs Dean, Dean needs him too right now.

He clasps his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Yeah Dean. We’ll get him back. Cas is strong, he’ll be alright.” Dean takes a deep breath, and while Sam knows he is only pretending to be okay, he also knows that Dean will feel better about the whole thing if Sam does too. Dean stands and extends his hand to Sam. He takes it and lets Dean help him to his feet. “Devil didn’t hurt you, did he?” Dean asks, doing a visual check on Sam. “Not that I’m not already going to gank the dude, but I’ll gank him harder.” Sam smiles at the mental image of Dean ganking the Devil, and trying to gank him “harder”, and shakes his head, “No, you came back in time. I’m alright. Are you?” Dean coughs. “Oh yeah. Just peachy.”

Sam isn’t really feeling okay himself, but walking alongside Dean, Sam knows he will have to be. It seems too much to wish for that Amara and Lucifer would kill each other and Cas would still be okay, but Sam will wish it anyways. The realist of himself and Dean, however, Sam realizes that there is a large chance that Lucifer will be around Sam again. Might kill Sam. He knows he can’t let that worry linger in his head, but knowing isn’t doing, and Sam knows he will be watching his back every step of the way. He wishes Lucifer could have taken anyone but Cas. Anyone but Cas and they would gank without a second thought. With Cas though… Sam knows for certain they’ll spend however long it takes chasing Lucifer around to save Castiel. The very thought is awful, repellant. He wishes, not for the first time, that he could have died long ago, and been safe in Heaven. Even if Heaven was boring, Sam thinks that maybe he would take boring over chasing the person he fears the most.

He remembers how Dean once faced Allistair for Cas. Dean had been so terrified, so frightened, Sam had seen it in him. Seen the resulting nightmares that he had suffered in trepidation and lingering fear for months afterward. How he’d wept in the hospital in front of Cas. But he had done it, he had gone after Allistair and tortured him. For Cas. Sam, even though he’d been with Lucifer four times longer than Dean had been with Allistair, always considered Dean’s time as worse. He just couldn’t trivialize the suffering of his good hearted brother. At least Sam had deserved at least some of those years of torture. The demon blood, Ruby, the Apocolypse. And all those times he had let Dean down since then. If Dean could go after Allistair for Cas, surely Sam could go after Lucifer for Dean. Because Dean needs Cas. And Sam needs Dean. The equation is simple. Sam knows the reality won’t be so easy. But he will do it, even if it kills him, even if none of this is real. For Dean. Always for Dean.

**Author's Note:**

> My first Sam-centric Fic! Let me know what you think!


End file.
